It has been nearly a month since we brought Brynn home. I can say without any hesitation that motherhood has been the biggest challenge of my life so far. I have heard countless times how hard it is, but I now know until you experience it, you have no idea how hard it is.
Although, all newborns are a challenge, our little Brynn, has been equipped with a few more on top of being a newborn. I am ashamed to say I have not only felt so bad for her, but for myself also. It sounds so selfish to say, but it is true.
I have felt sorry for myself because I didn't get to experience giving birth to her and I didn't get to be by her side for a whole week of her life. I don't get to breast feed her. I can't EVEN feed her from a bottle. I have felt that I have been robbed of having the "normal" baby experience.
Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, guess what? I have been humbled, once again. I have been humbled many times during our time with Brynn and I suspect I will be humbled countless times to come.
Today, Brynn had another swallow test and to be honest I knew that the results wouldn't be what we wanted them to be before the test was even done. For those of you that don't know, a swallow test is done to make sure her formula is going down the right tube and also to see if her swallowing has become more coordinated. Although, they saw improvement, it wasn't enough for her to feed from a bottle. I sure hate when my intuition is right!
Along with knowing the test results weren't going to be great, I also had an epiphany that we (Mark and I...and Brynn) can do this! She is our baby and we are meant to be her parents and we can handle this. I thought about how we made the decision for me to stay home once we had children and how it couldn't be any other way for Brynn. She needed to have a mother (and father) who could be there for her all day and all night. I needed to be home to care for her and take her to her many, many appointments. I decided that I can no longer feel sorry for myself, because motherhood/parenthood is so much bigger than me. It's not about me. All I can say is thank goodness for these humbling experiences or I could find myself being a very unhappy person. But, my family doesn't deserve that. They deserve a wife and mother that is happy to be a wife and mother....and that I am! :)
Melissa
I love your perspective...and honesty, as always! You were made to be her mother, and it shows!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lauren!!
DeleteHey Melissa! My friend shared your blog and tagged me because she thought we had a lot in common and I have to agree! This post sounds very similar to half of my blog posts, haha! I didn't adopt but 3 of my 4 kids were born with a condition that "robbed" me of the opportunity to feed them. It's tough. I hope you are doing well and just so that you know there is somebody out there that is having the same exact feelings you are, this is my blog:) jessandrich.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteHello Jess!
DeleteI'm so sorry I just noticed your post. I guess you can see how often I check this blog. Our last 6 months have been a whirlwind, but we are feeling more settled and comfortable. Thank you so much for your post and I appreciate your words so much. It's hard to find people that can relate to you, so it's always nice to have someone to talk to. Thank you for following us. I plan on doing a post about our first year with our daughter later this month. I can hardly believe a year has come and gone. :)
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